Don't make out with my wife yet
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
