Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
