oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
