she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
how drunk are you?
Several
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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