the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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