It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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