70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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