I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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