I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
