my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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