Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
