I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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