and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
