TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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