i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
