Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
