Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
