When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
