My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We have so much sex to catch up on
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
