Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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