nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
