My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
