I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
