I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
