I accidentally burped into my bong.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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