After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
