So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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