walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
