I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
not ubering you a puppy
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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