so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize