I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
