the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
