If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize