No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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