My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
