Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
