She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
