Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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