Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
