fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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