I got chris browned last night
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
