thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize