Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
