I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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