i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
