I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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