I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Who did Billy Mays play for?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I pour the whiskey from now on
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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