Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
