True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
