Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
