making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
