I accidentally burped into my bong.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
