Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
