I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
