My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Welp...herpes.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
