Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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