***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
