seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize